palavrinha

'My cat Alis' by Salihguler

I probably lost my temper again and said things I'll regret. To regret saying things is one of the insecurity quirks of my personality… and it feels considerably worse when I hurt someone's feelings. 'Cause this is never my intention. Even when I say things I believe to be true and that are important enough to linger deep in my brain until my next anger outburst, I'm hoping to offend no one. Sometimes, though, when we're hurt it's difficult to think about other people's feelings. So… forgive me. I'm really sorry. ● You may think my rampant behavior is a sign of immaturity. If maturity for you is synonym with people who never loose control, I’m guilty. Or you may think a sensible person is capable of waiting for the right time to say things the right way, calmly. Yeah, that's not me. The first time I tell you something is bothering me I may be nice and delicate, and considerate. I don't guarantee good behavior the second time. You may also think a grown-up person is able to accept something after he or she understands it rationally ― specially if there's no malicious intention involved and knowing that people feel and think differently. I wish. I have a very rational mind and I'm still dreadfully impulsive and emotional now and then. So I guess you succeed in making me feel bad for my actions by comparing me to those levelheaded human beings who show their emotions properly. ● I don't know who these people are, though. And I would be very skeptical of their existence if I had not met you. I prefer to think that these forever-composed embodied models of self-control human excellence are imaginary creatures. If so, there's a place for imperfect people like me in the realm of, you know, nice human beings. Maybe, people who never flip their lid, never blow a fuse or hit the roof are just insincere phonies, people pleaser with hidden Machiavellian agendas. Maybe they are too afraid of rejection to say a word. Maybe they are the most immature of all, completely unaware of their own feelings. Or worse, maybe they just don't care enough. But, let's suppose you are right and this person exists: An emotionally evolved type of intelligence out there. Someone like you. I understand how tempting it can be. Part of you desperately wants to find this woman who will never disrupt your life of peaceful reasoning. ● So, considering that the perfect being exists, I won't pledge psychological maturity. It would be great to have such a quality but I gave up being perfect a few years ago. I have other qualities, if I may use them in my defense. I'm capable of loving someone deeply. I do care enough to express what I feel, even if not always in the best way. I worry about the impact my words have on people. I critically analyze my own behavior and I invariably regret being a bitch. I'm also capable of reconsidering my judgments, of forgiving, of reaching out for those I love, and of saying I'm sorry (eventually). That said, I'm truthful sorry if I have hurt you with my demands, complaints, and my angry comments… I hope you'll forget everything I said, mostly everything at least. ● I just wish you knew, for instance… that I'm also hurt. I may have behaved poorly because of stress, as a result of a hormonal imbalance, or for whatever inexcusable excuse, but I didn't do so without a reason. Something hurts me too. It's something you did or something you do. Something you have already explained to me and I have already understood in all its logical implications. Somehow… that 'something' still makes me sad, though. Ultimately, this is not your problem. So you shouldn't worry about it. I have to come to terms with it myself, learn to forget and to forgive. But it's not easy. When I think I've finally evolved into a superior being… I sin again. Probably because I am still immature in many levels, but also because I'm hurt as badly as my bad behavior.